Retsupurae's journey to find themselves
by Gactivefy
Summary: slowbeef and diabetus go on a journey to make fun of every moron on the internet live. can they meet this goal? in the face of unexpected danger?
1. Chapter 1 THE IDEA

Restuprays journey to find themselves

CHAPTER 1 - THE IDEA

slowbeef was watching a slowbeef was watching a video on youtube. "oh my god this guy is such a fucking loser" he said to him. and to his friend near diabeetus. "why would somebody make a video this stupid, ha ha" the friend of slowbeefs laughed with slowbeef. the man in the video wa a boy trying to play sonic generations for the viewers on the internet (an: I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVEE that game! its soooooooooooo hard though). he screamed like a girl during a part where he fell through the floor in that level in the sky and died. his voice sounded like he was actually a girl. ""ha ha that guy sounds like a girl" slowbeef observed.

"i know right? diabetus said

"you know diabteys. why are we watching this boy play a sonic generations for game for the internet?" "well, itsnot like we have some thing better that we need to be doing slowbeef. wait a minute..." diabetus said while stroking his beard and being sad about not being able to grow a beard, "yeah daibeetus?"

"...what if instead of videos about videos on internet. we made videos about people on internet in person?"

"by the gods i think you may have an idea!" slowbeef

"well, DUH i have an idea. that's why i said it" diabettus said sarcastic as usual. "SORRY. i meant you had a really very good one! an idaea i mean."

diabetus thought to himself in his head: 'wow, slowbeef hasn not ever complemented me before. he really is my friend after all!''

"diabetus" "huh oh ,sorry i was tjinking about something.. anyway, i know just where we should start our conquesting adventure"

diabetus and slowbef got out of theyre house and got into theyre car in the driveway (by the way, wtf is it called a driveway igf you park in there? shouldnt it be a parkway or something? its just weird). it started raining out and then there was thunder hitting. "this reminds me off the weather in darkseed2" diabetus spoke. slwobeef laughed and then thought to himself how nice was it to know that diabetus would always there to make the day brighter. slowbeef hit the gas pedal with his foot and thehy were leaving to go

* * *

"what the fuck is it" a voice asked another man.

"uhh...theyre going to find a person and make fun of them!" chpi Cheezum said to the voice.

"uh they always do that moron. the voice retarted.

"no, i kmean in real life. theyre foind ing people in real life and moving onto the next level! damnit, i wanted to be the greatest retsuprayer." chip was saddened.

"WWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT" the voice bumboozlled.

"chip we must go. ill go get my shotfun go tell General Ironicus to get his lazy ass over here and help us help us we need help go get him."

"plsu dot..." vjo[ dsof fodds[pomyrf jr jsf yp hp gomf jod gtrmy

* * *

slowbeef was driving for a while in the car on the road. it was now night time, and it was pitch dark and hard to see, except for the thunder, and slowbeef and diabetus were worried they might hit something because they couldnt see it coming.

"hm. theres no wasy this could be natural," slowbeef said, looking at the cloud formations in the sky and talking about science stuff to impress his dear friend. suddenly memories came to him and he lost consiousness.

* * *

when slowbeef was a child, he was made fun of for being fat, but most of all for being a newyork accent. when he would go out to tthe playground at school when he was a kid the other kids would make fun of him and call him boston. "SHUTUP THE HELL UP IT IT IS NEWYORK NOT BOSTON" child slowbeef would say, but children would continue. pointing and laughing at him and poking him for fun and calling him bostonin. ever sine that day slowbeef had vowwed that he would never speak newyork so he moved to kansas where he met diabetus and deceased crab, his first actual friends. one day deceasedcrab killed slowbeefs parnets and slowbeef said;

"thanks they kept making fun of me for my talking, youre a good friend" but diabetus felt left out. one day he went behind slowbeef and said to deceased crab "i hate you you suck at lps stop saying fucking huzzah all the time. you are a bad backup friend".

"slowbeef i thoutgh we were friends! why would you say that tome? after i helped you make that game even!i hate you ILL GO NAKE MY OWN LETS PLAY WITH YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"wait i didnt say that, dont be mad!" but deceasecrab had already left the room and the house and gone to canada

diabetus came out from and said "now we can be just friends right?" "diabetus, i thought you liked DC! why would you be so mean. he hates us now!"

"who cares hes an asshole anyway," diabetus responed, as a loud huzzah punctuated the conversation they were saying. "okay..." slowbeef forgave him.

then they heard a scream and the sound of a laser.

"stop!" outside proton jon said to deceesed crab, "stop saying huzzah. do it cunt"

"HUZZAHHH" and deceasedcrab grew his missing arm from protonjons proton laser back and teleported away.

"slowbeef looking out the window at them. "i want to be just like him one day..." and slowbeef letsplayed dead to rights and became

* * *

"whats wrong slowbeef?" back in the present, diabetus had noticed his friend looking funny ignoring him. slowbeef tried not to tear up as he thought of happy times.

"oh, sorry, i was just thinking about stuff dont worry. you remember when we met protonjon?"

"no." slowbeef was disappointed greatly, but diabetus soon adimtted he was only joking. "well, i was just thinking about that. driving through the dark like this kind of reminds me of that time."

"not really but i see what you mean. diabetus said. suddenly"

a dark tower approached them in the car from the distance. they had arrived to destany.


	2. Chapter 2 THE JOURNEY

Retsuprays journeyt o find themselves

(an: this chapter is dedicated to vicas please dont cancer)

CHAPTER 2 - THE JOURNEY

"hey what the hell was that shit" slowbeef cussed as the his car hit some thing on the road that was in front of them. he was worried that it could be alive, or i guess not alive anymore since he hit it just now. "ill go and check slowbeef," diabetus kindly offered and quickly hopped out of the car.

"slowbeef i think, we hit a kid on a bike or something. it looks like he has some newspapers in here or something."

"5 more dollars and i couldve baught a n64" billy said impaled on his bike before he died from the pain from being hit by a car in a storm at night. "dammit no." diabetus was in shock. memories of the last time he had let a sort of friend die in ront of him like this came pouring into his mind once more.

* * *

it was late at night and almost 2 oclock and slowbeef and diabetus and protius were sitting on the bed in the house, making a video in 2009.

the video was some chick with a really manly voice playing kirby64 for the youtube and the internet and not knowing how to break that green block thing in the castle place early on. god i love that game.

"_JESUS CHRIST THIS GAME SUCKS AHH" _the dumbass bitch in the video said.

"holy shit you cant even beat a kirby game? you really need to evaluate your life bithc." slowbeef stated cooly.

"say the guy who cant even read a map right," diabetus responde. they both laughed as they thought of the good times they had lping metroid games. except proteus.

"shit, why am i here sitting on this bed making stupid internet videos about stupid internet videos with you guys this is so gay in more ways than one. id rather go home and fuck my girlfriend or something this is bogus" proteus fumed trying to hide his homosex

slowbeef"why do you always do this? if you dont want to be here than stop agreeing to come over jesus. and it takes one to know one gay"

proteus got all bitchy and left the bed to go leave the house. diebteus suddenly remembered that he had left is shoe in the middle of the floor:

"wait dont go over there yet!" but he was too late. proteeus had stepped on the shoe and tripped, smashing his face onto the floor and killing himself instantly.

"dammit diabetus why did you let him die? even if he was a douchebag he still wasnt as annoying as khad."

diabetus cried and stopped flashing back now

* * *

"diabetus are you alright youre like fucking crying or something," slowbeef inqwired.

"its nothing thanks. lets just keep moving., the car is broken, we have to walk the rest of the way on foot now, sorry."

"are you sure youre alright?" slowbeef thought he was acting very weird.

but diabetus just punched him in the face and they agreed to stop talking for a while.

A couple hours later they had found a house further down the road and it was a little brighter now but still really hard to see outside. the house was painted bright blue and looked really ugly. slowbeef looked it up on his macbook and he found that rijno and his lover darknesthecurse lived there.

"perfect. this is where we are meant to be. lets go make fun of them diabetus!"

when they got to the door. diabetus tried ringing the doorbell. immediately after slowbeef pulled his gun out of his pocket and shot the door in half. then he karate chopped it in half again and lit the quarters on fire with his lighter. "i guess thats one way to do it," diabetus commented on his friends brutality, kinda turned on in a weird way.

the inside of the house was really empty. they stepped inside and looked around but all there was was was a couch a tv, and a kitchen and some stairs in the corner. the window was boarded up and the place looked really creepy. "why doesnt it surprise me that thye live in a place like this," the retsupurae duo said to each other. suddenly they heard a voice in the darkness and saw a dark figure coming down the stairs!

"ah so youve finally arrived... to your destany... of DOOM!"

"wait who the hell are you?" slowbeef wondered allowed.

"I am thornbrain, and i am here to kill you! and take the position of best restuprayers in the world!"

slowbeef and diabetus had no idea who the hell this guy was or what he was talking about. "who the hell are youand what are you talking about" diabetus asked the strange little man.

"shutthefuckup and die!" the man pulled out a machine gun and aimed it at slowbeefs face. slowbeef could not use his gun because he had only put one bullet in it before and forgot to buy more earlier.

just then...

"OHH WHAT THE!" sirronlionheart swung in on a rope from a helicopter piloted by matt damon in polar bear form with a chainsaw and shotgun in his hands through the boarded up window.

team retsupurae was confused. wasnt this one of the guys they had made fun of earlier? "why are you helping us?" slowbeef pondered.

sirron leaned back and whispered: "BECAUSE I DON'T KNEAD A REASON TO HELP OUT BADA- PEOPLE! DONT WORRY ABOUT IT! ALLRIGHT!" he looked forward again and prepped his shotgun for combat with the strange man.

"HELLO THIS IS SIRRONLIONHEART, AND WELCOME TO LETS KICK SOME A-!"

they suddenly flew at each other then even though they had guns and began a cool looking fight. team retsupurae watched amazed as the man fired a few shots at sirron but they bounced off. sirron jumped 40 feet into the air and landed on the mans head and cut him in half down the middle with his chainsaw. "YEAH! UGH..."

Sirron collapsed clutching his chest. in the course of his fight he had accidentaly pricked his chest on a thumb tack lieing on the floor. he knew he would die in a few moments from his wound and called team retsupurae over to him.

sirron's sunglasses were broken and his tuxedo was slashed. nevertheless he still had a grand smile in his face as he spoke his dieing words.

"SLOWBEEF! SOMETHING BAD IS HAPPENING. AN EVIL EVIL MAN IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER RETSUPURAE! I WAS HOPING I COULD STOP HIM MYSELF BUT I SEEMED TO HAVE MADE A MISCALQULATION HERE, SORRY! I HAVE SOME ADVICE FOR YOU, PLESE LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY!" slowbeef and diabetus leaned in closer to listen better.

sirrons voice was now barely a coarse croak whipser "TAKE MY SHOTGUN OF LIGHT AND GO TO THE DARK TOWER IN THE DISTANCE! IT IS CAUSING THE STORM OF DOOM! WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT EVER EVER VER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVE RVER VER VE REV EER VE RV TRUST A MAN NAMED CHIP XHEEZUM! AND MAKE SURE THAT A MAN NAMED... NEVER LIVES... TO..." his voice fade

"who should we kill?"

"LE... LES... LESB... GAHHH! OHWHATTHE" he bled out and died in that exact moment. "lesbians?" they wondered. lesbians were icky.

"...diabetus, are you ready to go?"

they hung around and mourned their fallen new friend for a moment but got bored and left, knowing now what they needed to do and go meet their destany.


	3. Chapter 3 THE MEETING

Retsuprays journey to fing themselfes

CHAPTER 3 - THE MEETING

"i still cant beliee that electrical beast died to save us, its so weird and sad and i kind of want to"

now

"slwobeef said as he was closing the door behind him, ready to go with diabetuws to the house they need to go to because electricalbesat told them to'

"slowbeef i knthink i know where we should go from here" diabetus offered.

"okay. where is it?"

"I'm not telling you." "..." slowbeef kicked diabetus in the kidney rupturing his spine and knocking him unconcsious and sending him back in time because yhe fell really far from the kick like with the time jump thing so he went back to 1922 and considered becoming slowbeefs dad but thought that having a family would interefre with him making videos with slowbeef.

slowbeef in present time went on ahead without him. havaing. gained and idea of where to go after laughing at

he walked down thr road a little ways and diabetsu waited until he caught up with slowbeef and joined him and went back and they walked down the road through the really dark storm together again. diabetus was about to ask where they were going but didnt want to be roundhosue kickecd again.

after walking for a day or two they arrived at sanfaranciso. it s a really beatutiful place with lots of pretty but not today because it was dark and big tower loomed in the distance casting a shadow making it dark and there were storms. thye went to the only house that hadnt exploded. but the house was actually

they went inside, it was dark inside. diabetus got scared of the dark finally for some reason and asked slowbeef "whey they were there". slowbeef told him to shut that bitch ass mouth up fucking.

they climbed steps in the hosue for hours, amd eventually they were outside. "dammit we went to far"

so they climbed back down. when they reached the bottom again slowbeef noticed a doorway behind the steps and shot him with tiro finale because he had upgraded his gun after having to see his dear friend actionbastard die because he had a shitty gun and was too much of a douche to get a better one until he died and then he got one.

team retsupurae opened the door... and inside... THERE WAS MORE DARK

"hello?"

a figure aproadched them in the dark wearing a trench coat like he was a flasher or something and was also wearing a really silly looking boulder hat.

"you're wearing a trench caot that makes you look like a flasher and a boulder hat that looks really silly!" diabetus noted asstootly/

Slowbeef laughed for a bit until the man "slowbeef i herard about what s going down and im here to help. we may not be the best of friends or friends period i guess but i think we can help each other get through this and beat diabetus and his evil scheme!"

"wait diabetus your the villain?" salowbeef was puzzled.

"no" okay.

"SHIT FVE BEEN FOUND OUT" the figure pulled out a gun and tried to shoot slowwbeef face and slowbeef forogto to reload tiro finale from earlier killing diabetus so he had to use the big sword dick thingy from inuyasha. it failed because inuyasha is a shitty piece of fuck show and joey your a dicknoecker for liking it

"wtf is all this noice going on wait what are you doing medibot?" pokecapn came out from the dark and asked very loudly even though he couldn't really see much since it was really dark and all.

"shut fuck up and stay out of- agh" medibot tried to give a cool villain line but died while saying it because diabetus used starlight breakaer on him ebecause he was being really annoying and hsit and its from a way better show than inuyasha and fma combined so stfu joey

"thanks diabetus. I thougt i was going to die there for a second!"

suddenly pokecapn had a llashback fo the time when a close friend of his had died in front of his very eyse.

* * *

pokecapn, medibto, kungfujesus and that other guy were playing sonic heroes together one day because i dunno theuy just always play sonci games for some reason i guess. they got to to the level with the froges in it and wehn they go t to the part with the yellow things the forth dude was like "this reminds me of the time when i dropped my ice cream cone in the sand when i was on the beach the other day"

* * *

that one dude was on the beach a week ago and it was like a beach so it was like very hot and burning and thirst. so he went to go get some icecream form the dude selling ice ceream down in the corner of the beach by the rocks which is kinda disgutsing now that i think of it because people usually pee there and shit so ew (i mean, i dont really care but that just semms like is unsanityary and gross so that was a very bad man...). andyway, he went to icecream man and it was psychedelicliceyeball. he aksed for an ice cream and eyeball said "no we dont have any ice cream why the fuck do you keep asking me goddamit." which was kinda impressive considering eyes dont have mouthes but i dyegrese.

so the dude went to the toher guy who saold ice cream right nearby and got some there. only this happened during a hurricane and a giant wave came up and smashed straight into his face immedaitely after. "damn, my ice cream got washed away!" he complained.

* * *

"what the fuck did that flashback have anything to do with anything?" poekecapn whined as he started stabbing that one guy in the face with a fork. after like ten minutes kfj was like 'dude what the fuck is wrong with you you know how longs its gonna take to clean my carpet now?" so pokecapn was like sorry and asked medibot to revive him and medibot said "sorry, am not actually a medibot"

"NOOOOOO!"

* * *

slowbeef asked pokecpn what was wrong and hw eas like "nothing, im gonna go get some ice cream. dont follow me or ill kill you or some shit." and he ran into the darkness further down the corridor they were in.

"hes hiding something diabetus..."

"no shit?" diabetus retorted.

"we must follow him and aske why medibot became evil for the sake of

and so they ran down the dark corridor chasing the mysteries of the pokecapn gang, in the desperate hope theat they may soon reach their destany.


	4. Chapter 4 THE CHASE

sorry this one took so long guys but i had to go do to a

* * *

retsuupre s journey to find themselves

CHAPTER $ - THE CHASE

solwbeef and disabetus kept running down the hall, after pokcepan. It was dark from before, andyou couldnt see anything. they passed by a window at one point, and it let some light in, but it was still dark from the storm from before so it didn't really help much at all.

after a couple days running down the hall things statered to get really weird. diabetus began to wonder if he had gotten high at one point like he usually does between videos with slobweef. "hey slowbeef its getting really weird in this halway. did we get high like we usually do bewtween videos with each other again?"

slowbeef was about to answer diabetus'' quesion but was interrupted by a giant blue and purple dragon made of picksles going past them overhead . they were now in a huge room that glowed blue and purple, but it was dark purple so it didnt seem as gay. looking around the room they saw something that suprised them.

they were standing on a catwalk in the middle of a room containing videos of every LP ever made!

"hey diabetus, look at that!" slowbeef shoutted, pointing at the monitor. diabetus looked to where his finger lead.

* * *

on the screen was a really grainy and old video that showed a chess board on it. you could almost find two sets of hands on either end of the board since there were people playing it so obviously they were at the table with the board and had their hands on it so they could mainpiutlat the pieces more better. the camera was shakey and at an angel because it war really hard to hold a camera at a good angle like that. eventually the camera guy gave up and just hung it overhead of the board so you could see it not bad.

"ande hereth we doth haven thine Majestine Lord Edward 4 playnt theirth kingen Saladin int thine greater gamet of Check (an:chess was called that back then). theyt bene bothe amzing playerten ofen the check, wachet Edward useyt thee queens gambit!"

the player on the red side had noticed the other dude had left one of the rows unguareded on his side and saw his cahnce. he took his horse and pushed it all the way to the other end. the other player was shocked and stared in disbelief then started crieing a bit.

"kingeth me." siad Edwart.

the crow went nuts and started cheering because they were board and had nothing else to do because there weren't video games in the 1800's so they had to do boring shit like chess everyday.

"whateid an wonderifoureors gament!"

* * *

diabetus had stopped paying attention because he was bored. he went to go get slobweef who had fallen asleep on the catwalk. thankfully he hadnot fallen off it when he did...

"huhwhasfsaga?" slowbeef mumbled.

diebetus beemed and had an idea. "oh yeah, i had to shit so i used one of these lps."

"WHAT? not one of ours you piece of SHIT!"

"no, it was violinbows"

"oh okay."

and they kept walking on the catwalk for a while, looking at some of the lps that were srurounding them as they went on further into the room near the center of it. most of them sucked.

they eventually walked past slobweefs lp of super metroid. it sucked really bad, seriously.

"wow slowbeef, youre lp of sujper metroid sucked really bad."

"shutup or ill kill you" and they moved on again.

they eventually reached the end of the catwalke, and they saw pokecapn standing on the edge of the room looking away at a thing.

"pokecapn what the fuck is wrong with you?" slowbeef interogated.

"slowbeef... you came this far. do you see the grand empire youve built?" he spun around with his arms out to try and be dramatic and show off how big the room was but really just kinda looked sutpid and stuff.

"i know, thats why ive decided to take up my mantle and atone. duh. what do you htingk ive been doing the past 20 years?"

"I suppose none of that matters now." a figure that was dark and siloutedted walked aout from behind pokecapn. he snapped his fingers really loud and it hurt diabets's ear

"TELEPORE!" the man britished. the ground beneath slowbeef and diabetus removed. they fell down into the lpstream with no idea of what would happen to them in there. i think it would hurt falling into a poolk of data but i dunno.

slowbeef remembered back to when he had met schmorky. but he is a creeper so he decided to remember back to when he met cherrydoom instead.

* * *

"can i make vidos with you guyz?" the pudgy girl asked.

"sure whatever id ont give a shit" the fat man responded.

* * *

slowbeef realized that that was a really boring flashback so he had one to when he met vicas instead.

* * *

it was a hot day and slowbeef came home from work. "dammit, none of these days i nead to make lping my fulltime job," he said to himself because weird people do that someitmes i guess. he went inside. he took off his shoes and glanced into the mirror and had a thouht. maybe if he was less ugly or something more people would watch his videos and he could make more money and achieve his dream?

"would that work?" he wondered to himself.

no, because you cant really be hot slofweeb. but, what if you had someone else be more attractive for you?

"you mean diabetus?"

i glared at him and asked him if he knew why that retsufuck fanfic was made and he shut up instantly. so no, i mean you should find someone new to help you.

"okay, that might work," and he left to go to the yellow pages because this was years ago and skype was garbage.

he found some mercantile lpers he could hire but they were all ugly and probanbly stupid so he found some random guys phone number and called him and hoped for the best.

"dude, its like four in the morning, why are you calling me?" slowbeef nad failed to remmeber new yourk time distance and he felt like a douche.

"uhh... i was wondering... would you help me with lps?"

"what the hell are those?"

slowbeff thought of the least nerdy was to phrase it possible. "uh its where we play video games for the internet and talk about it and stuff"

"will you quit calling me at 4 in the goddam morning?"

slowbeef agreed and the rest was history. he could tell by his voice that he was a hot dude but didnt want to say that and sount really gay so he used the word 'stylin' insetead because this was the past remember. it didnt work out but at least he tried i guess.

* * *

slowbeef woke up in a dark pit with a glowind light in the center. diabetus was on the ground next to him still out of concsious. slowbeef thought to himself about asking vicas and his dudes for help with the mission but thought to himself why the hell would having a cancer patient, a tranny, and a brony(its seriously a freaking plague of stiupd) be helpful? he woke up up and examined the light.

it was eimted from a large spinning cube in the center. it looked kind of like the gamecube logo thing only a lot shinier and it spun faster and lit up the room and looked really cool. diabetus woke up as it started spinning really fast.

"dude what the gell is that thing?" he wondered. slowbeef reached out to try and touch it.

a voice shouted "NOOOOOOOOO!" but it was too late. slowbeef had already touched it, and everything turned white around him.

he didn;t now waht was happening, but he knew that if he continued here he would soon meet his destany.


	5. On life, Let's Plays, and apples

Chapter 5 - On life, Let's Plays, and apples

* * *

Slowbeef had long since grown tired of the way his life had been. It felt to him almost as if he were simply strapped tightly into a ride at an amusement park, and the day-to-day was but plethora upon plethora of diversified scenery for him to glance at and forget at a moment's notice. His life hadn't been all bad, but it appeared that the brief, fleeting glimpses of happiness given unto him on those days where meet up with Diabetus or spend the day with his fiancé had been growing fewer and farther between; his life had grown so utterly narrow that he could count the days.

Slowbeef was lost in an ocean rocking and wavering far beyond his control, and he had only recently begun to notice and accept this unerring truth.

He got up and out of his bed - early, and alone. Through the cascading coat and blur of his rapidly ailing vision, he could just barely see the time of day; it was only 2:30 at the moment. Slowbeef knew that he would never be able to get back to sleep at this point, and he didn't want to face that dream once more anyways. He set out towards the bathroom. He did not bother dressing, for the previous night had seen him come home a mere several hours before the present time of this writing, and he had simply fallen into slumber at once. His short journey down the hallway outside his bedroom felt like an odyssey, as he couldn't help but remember the dream that had woken him in the first place.

The words and feelings of those around him affected him, and the impact clearly showed upon his subconscious, correlatively. He knew that people, especially those communicating anonymously over the internet would always overreact and volley doctrines of hate (targeted both at him and at each other), but even the people that he was on (relatively) good terms seemed to overestimate his stoicist tolerance as he had such shown in the past. The truth of the matter was, Slowbeef was a nicer guy than most people thought, and more than he would give himself credit for - the diatribe of malice he faced had worn him down so thoroughly as to leave him a fleeting shadow where man once stood before their eyes.

But yes, it was his dreams, indeed, that really tore at him these days. It was there where the image that the internet had falsely endeavored and endeared to him came unto an absolution, at least within the reaches of the mind of the man himself. He dreamed of all kind and color of blood spilling over his hands, as he could only watch from behind cold eyes as he saw murder, manipulation, and atrocity committed time after time with the very same hands. This scenario shook him to the core as it played out through his psyche, but what disturbed him even more was the blurring. Just as he could see less and less of the world around him without manufactured aid to his vision, he was beginning to tell fact and fiction, dream and reality less and less apart in his day to day life.

Slowbeef was not an unintelligent man, no. He also was not an effusive man, to say the least. He had spent no great deal of thought on the matter, but he drew a blank slate in his internal artifice every day - well, he wasn't so good at drawing, either, he supposed. There was simply no way implicit to him to find the strength to come forward with a matter in this manner - not so late in the game, so to speak. How exactly does one tell their loved ones "I'm dreaming of murder as I sleep next to you at night"? One could hardly point the finger at him, even if he really was making a horrible mistake in doing so.

He made it into the bathroom, and took one last, long look into the mirror at himself. Well, that isn't an entirely accurate statement. Slowbeef wasn't exactly a model, of course, but he certainly wasn't ugly, by definition of the average person. But what he saw in that mirror wasn't himself, but his actions. Leaning in closer and closer, he found every sin he's ever committed, ever person he's ever wronged, all faults possessed by himself. It was how he felt, not how he looked, and he certainly felt like the ugliest person on the planet at that very moment.

Others try to tell the depressed to "look on the bright side of things", but they fail to understand that this is often an impossibility, plainly put. It's not a road down to Hell, but a spiraling, snaring staircase, and the man in question was too far down already to be able to look up and see the light pour in at all at this point. In fact, it was as if such demands were in jest, taunting and belittling.

Slowbeef washed his face and felt vigored to trek downstairs, to the kitchen. An action he was loathe to - another cog in this ridiculous self-destructive "routine" he had followed for at least a year now, but he figured that it didn't matter at this point. He was more than glad to cease smoking, but realized far too late that it was simply alcohol shifting more and more into focus within his daily life. He didn't have the energy to fight it; especially not today. He got himself a drink and tried as hard as he could to forget about it, to little avail. He rapidly grew frustrated, at himself, his relations, at the world, as time passed and he still had to sit there, poisoning himself further. He looked around the room in a desperate attempt to find some way to pass the time, be it seconds. He held his head in his hands for several moments as he thought of those sleepless nights in the very same room, holding staring contests against the knife strewn about in front of him. This morning, he had something in particular planned, and was able to shut it out of his mind, a fact that pleased him as he got ready and left the house.

* * *

It was here where he wanted to be, silly as it sounded. Truthfully, it even sounded ridiculous to himself, but still. He came once again to the acclaimed Jersey Shore. He took out his phone for a just a second - June 25 2012, at 4:53 A.M.

Slowbeef knew that he had to be frank here, or else he would never have the nerve to accomplish what he had set out to do. Yes, he did indeed set out to kill himself on this day. It sounded ridiculous to hear himself think it, even. Sadness is relative, yes, but why did he have the right to be so down, as opposed to those around him who survive greater misfortune tenfold? Actually, it was probably this manner of internal debate that really depressed him the most.

He knew that this was a ridiculous place to try and commit suicide, but he just really wanted to see it at least once more. Even if he had to travel elsewhere first, he was still glad he came. Looking around, he saw what he had so many times described as beautiful; just as he had the first time beholding the location, just as he had when he proposed. Especially the beauty of the shining, rotating, luminescent cube a ways down.

Wait, what?

He went down to investigate it. His eyes had not fooled him once more. He seriously was bearing witness to such a bizarre object. Well, he hadn't much to lose at this point, especially, so he reached out to touch the spinning glowing shape consequences be damned.

"slobweefnodontstop!1!" a msterious figure yelled and fell

Slowbeef looked around in confusion, hand outreached, inches away from the strange contraption. He failed to find the strange, poorly spoken voice until he looked straight up-

"PROTON SOWRD!" protonjon yelled and sliced the cube in half befrore shooting it a couple dozend times and cutting it a couple more times and then smadhing it whith his foot and heabutting it some more.

slwbeoffe looked around really confused and kinda scared as the beautifaul turned to white nad picksels and the place faded like it was a computer simmulation and well i guess it was one i guess.

* * *

evertything turned to dark and slobweff looked and up awoke to where he was before he touched the cube (not the one from the simmulation, the one from before all of that in the last chapter remmeber?") he was still in the dark room and diabetus was still there. the cube was still fukd up becaues proton.

"protonjon where have you been you i thought you siddappeared to go romhack- wiat donw go!"

but he had already used his protonboots to jump out of the pit after thrwoing a protonwarphole don for the m to escape with.

slowbeef was sad both from protonjon and the weird simmulation but woke up daibetus and they went into the warphole to look for porotonjon go meet their destany.

* * *

"damn that protonjon guys better than i thougt, he broke my magicube..." chip cheezume said

"I DONTGIVE A FUK GO KILL SLOBWEEF DAMMIT" the myseterious man barked to him like a doggy and not a cute one either. I guess it was like a pit bull or somethin but puppies are really cute so i guess a grown one.

chip cheezum


	6. Chapter 6 THE SHOWDOWN

Retsprats joiurney to find themselve

CHAPTER 6 - THE SHOWDOWN

slowbeef sateeppe on the teleporter thing that Protonjon left for them in the dark pit where they were currently in at that moment in my story leaving off from the last chapter after protonjon broke the depression simmulator and saved the day and left a teleporter for the m to leave the dark pit they were trapped in currently with without saying anything to either of them despite slowbef asking him stuff and telling him to wait because hes mysterious and im not going to reveal whathappens and what he does later yet so dont ask me becaseu i wont tell you becaue i dont wannya tell you becuse it will ruin the suspense and you wont wanna keep reading and others wont read and i wont get reviews and thusly ill be unpoplar forever and ill be sad and stop making stories and eventually get off the interent entirely and itll be really said for me and for a lot of other people and you will feel as s result like a total douchebag if you do that becasue you have to be one if you wouled do something mean like that to me you jerkassbitchface, so please dont do any of that stuff i justmentioned and wont again becaseu i dont wanna bore you with a really long description of stipid shit so ill just shut up now so you wanont have to deal with any of that kind of stuff okay thanks moving on.

so slobewwef stopped on the teleporter and teleported. to. a place. he went out and he was outisde the dark tower they were in in safranscicso like i said a while ago in case you forgot. he walked ahead down the road while thinking of his next cours of action. after walking for a couple days he had to turn around when he remembererd he forgot diabetus so i guess he didnt remmeber wow thats confusing but anyway he went back but the teleporter was broken. so he used the dagger of time from prince of persia sands of time (not warriourwithin because that game SUCKED though) and went back two months in the past and bought a nice looking tie at a sthop then went forward until two days ago from where the story is happening before he time travelled and stopped himself from leaving behind diabetus.

he went forward, back in the dark pit with the teleporter after meating protonjon once more and kicked diabetus. diabetus moeaned and didnt wake up so slowbeef shot him in the face with tiro finale again. he couldnt revive him then o he just went back to before he shot him with the time dagger before he shot him. the dagger ran out of sand then and slobweef threw it away off a ledge near the pit that had no bottom and was all black everywhere like in well lots of video games.

"thanks for reviving me slowbeef. and thats a nice tie, it looks really good on you here"

"thanks, you like it? i just got it a couple months ago with my time dagger just now. it has diamond studs and is gold encrusted and is baddass. isnt it?"

"yeah. how much did it cost, wait, where did you even get something like that?" diuabetus was sad becaues he only had shitty plaid ties that his mother sewed for him. "what, youre making fun of me for being southern again?" no, im making fun of you for wearing stupid clothes. "oh okay then"

so slowbeef was getting really bored and was tired of reading all of that because of his bad eyesight and just pushed diabetus into the teleporter with himself behind him himself.

* * *

"damn that protonjon guys better... wait a minute, it feels like we already had that converstaion didnt we?" chip cheezum was reminded of this one show that I watched one time where the dudes went back in time to get out of trouble and stuff kept staying the same the same so they got in trouble anyways for making mom's bad sandwich it was really bizarre.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP I DONT CAR GO KILL SLOBWEEF GODDAMIT" the mysterious man barked to him, this time like a pomigranate instead of a baby pitbull because those are two cute to describe him im sory i did that last chapter guys.

'URGUGUGH, okay. and chip cheezium wentto go get general ironicurs because he said he would do that earlier but i forgot to make that a scene then so its happeining now instead.

as he was walking to the docking bay of the base, he began to feel memories of the last time he had encountered team retsupurae.

* * *

slowbeef was waiting outside of his house for a guy to show up. sure it was chip cheezums flashback but he could see slowbeef from where he was standing so it still made sense.

"dammit, wheres that intern dude so i can get back to my REAL JOB with diabetsu," slowbeef muttered loud enough for chip cheezum to here.

chip cheezuim had been a spy sent by a strange man to go and infiltrate slowbeefs house and kill them when their gurad was down. he had brought a trench coat and he put a gun, a hat, a screwdriver for hotwiring cars, a car in there so he was already for the mission to go.

"uh are you slowbeef?"

"who the hell wants to know bitchhole?" "fine ill leave then"

slowbeef realized that his coworkers were the only ones besides diabetus that dalled him slowbeef so it had to be him there.

"OH sorry, youre the intern rite?" "yeah, but its for a different job... a diefferent job... of retsupurae...ing... a video with you, and i promise not to attack you so please listen."

"okay sure whatever" so slowbeef invited chip cheezum back to his house to make a retsupurae with diabetus gone because he didnt want him to get jealous like what happened with deceased crab again.

inside the house, cherrydoom was sitting someplace from where they had last left off making that one snake eater retsupurae before psycaledic eyeball flew away.

"heyslowbeef-" "die bithc" and slowbeef pushed her off the chair and she fell and hit hte floor, dieing instantly.

"thanks so much slowbeef" chip cheezum had never been shown kindness before.

growing up, he had been raised in an orphannage. only the orphannage was evil like that one episdoe of higurashi so they were really mean. he was raised to be the ultimate letsplayer from birth after his mom died in a helicopter crash in maine and his dad got bored of him and left forever to make his own letsplays, returning only out of jealousy for his former son he who he stole lots of money from. he spent his hole life instigating his craft, even in the years before youtube existed, all for the day when he would finally leave this place alive. he had friends there but they died in a flashback, and i dont wanna show you that because were already in a flashback so that would be odd.

he was artifshially aged from 7 to 23, and soon after was made to make his LP of no more heroes at gunpoint by his caretaker that really just hit him when he was bored and pointed and laughed when he was hungry so i guess he wasnt a caretaker and just an asshole or something. after his first two failures he new he couldnt mess up again or he would be killed like his friends were. after his success there he was sent to the base instead of being given freedom like he wanted because he just cant have nice things i guess.

so anyways there they were making that retuspray of that one dude playing bubsy and being a douche. the video went over well despite them having to edit out psycadelic eyebladd screaming at them in latin through the window again. after making the video, slowbeef said something like "youre welcome for make rps with me again anytime."

so chip cheezum had to immedeeately run out of the house trying not to cry at these kind words. after walking halfway back to the base, he realized he had forgotten to kill slobweef! he ddint want to return back to the base so he turned around but got teleported back (they make him walk anyway because theyre evil like the orphannage dudes) and was whipped a lot kinda like fate (the nanoha chick not that douchebag from lameocean3).

* * *

chipo cheezum was still walking to the docking bay so yeah.

* * *

so slowbeef and diabetus teleported outisde. they were holding hands so it was really awkward so they let go of eadch other but on the inside didnt really mind. seriously, why is that so weird some guys made fun of me for doing it with my friend the other day its so stupid.

they went on down the long road they had been traveling on for the past while and started walking again with no real destination in sight since they didnt really have any direction anymore what with protonjon not saying anything.

they walked down the road for a few weeks and found a small golden safe with a lpatinum dial with silver nuymbers on it.

they were really excited because it looked shiny and went up to it to play with it for a while and stuff. just then...

"HATL RIGHT HTERE! STOP! YOU CANNOT TOUCH THAT THING ON MY WATCH, EVEN IF IT IS BROKEN STILLL!"

GenEral Ironicus showed up. chip cheezum didnt want to get his dirty hands so since he was a smooth man and his hands were indeed very nice. ironicus had made himself into a dyborg for power and stronger fast and electric control for fighting slowbeef. and diabetus.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who are you? slowbeef asked." he had done a video with ironicus before but that was before the cyborgation so he couldnt recognize him. thouhg i guess he never knew what he looked like but still it doesnt really matter one way or the other okay?

"ACTUALLY MY ORDERS ARE TO JUST KILL YOU I FOGTO. SO YEAH, IM DOING THAT NOW." and ironicus opened his arm cannon and a penguin popped out then a electric coil popped out and started charging a laser pointed at slowbeefs face. slowbeef stodd there for some reason probably because the laser looked really im not sure thats always what happens in movie scenes like this

just hten...

pokecapn jumped down from the top of the sky and punched the laser with his fist.

"pokecapn what the hell are you doing here i thought you were evil?" slowbeef confused.

"that was not me but clone. look theres no timeso let me handle this fight okay?christlord."

ironicus fired a beam of lava at pokecapn who did a silly looking cartwheel and dodged it, but lost the top parts of his hair because he had only gotten the matrix recently.

"but how? RESEARCH INDICATES that that beam was sure to hitt!1!" ironicus rorred.

"oh goddamit shutup you fucking fuck guckrer!" pokecapn blastered and jumped ontop of ironicus with a grenade in his mouth.

"slowbeef, that me from befroe wasnt me but bluelander!"

"but bludlanders a chick"

"slowbeef, that me from before wasnt me but mr sunabozu. dont worry about him now though, hes dead" pokecapn said which was pretty impressive that he said all of that since his mouth was so full. of a greanade

"oh okay" slowbeef responed.

ironicus tried to machine gun pkecapn off but it was too late, the greande exploded and killled them both instantly. bits of pokecapn rained down all over slowbeef and diabetus and they were sad but one of ironicus robot arms hit them in the head and they were knocked out for a while.

Chip cheezum tlepeorted in with help from electrical beast who had returned from his mission from earlier (by teleporting). he looked at the scene in front of him and at first was like "what the fuck" but then he was saying

"you assholes killed ironicus?" and he picked them and the safe up and teleported back to his base where the mysterious man was waiting but forgot that he didnt take electrical beast with him so he had to walk back.

as slowbeef and diabetsu did nothing, they could only dream of how they would soon go and meet their destany.


	7. Chapter 7 THE ESCAPE

Retsupray

s journey to find themselves

CAHPTER 7 - THE ESCAPE

slowbeef woke up in a cell in the dep part of the base that chip cheezum took them to after pokecapn blew ironicus up and hurt them last chapter and chip cheezum came and took them to the base after... yeah you get the idea. so he was in a cell, and looking around for a bit he noticed something: "wow, the dark even extends its affcet to this place too," he noted sceientifically, but was sad when he remembered diabetus wasnt awkae to be impressed by him.

the cell they were in was small and dark. there was only one bed so they new they had to get outta there soon or esle it was gonn a get really homosex up in that bitch soon. diabetus was still unconcsious from the thing before so slowbeef went to sheet him with tiro finale. it was out of bullets because slowbeef forgot to buy more when he went to go buy his tie from before. speaking of that tie, slowbef looked down and saw... IT WAS GONE~!

"GODDAMTIT!" diabetus instantly woke up. he was confused for a bit but started laughing at his friend's pain like he had done many times in the past before. well its nice to know some things never change i gues slowbeef thought to himseflf.

"okay so anyway the deal is is that we have to dind some way to get outta this sell before we starve ad die without saving the world from the storm thing. oh and lps too."

"Okay slowbeef, but how exactly do you plan to do that?" diabeytus snarkled. slobweef punched him in the nose and senthim flying backwards through the wall behind him.

"well i gues that answers my question" diabetus mumbleled unconciousness.

* * *

"sir i got them and through them in the cell in the basement of he base!" chip cheezim reported to the mysterious man.

"WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU KILL THEM OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DUMBASSBITCHMORONTITS!" THE MYSETERIOUS MAN ANGRIED,

pushing a button and elecicing chip cheezum for a mintues.

chip was screaming in pain and remmebered back to the few days he had where he wasnt being tortured by some evil man like he always does to take his mind off the pain.

* * *

babyy chip cheezum was 2 and one half years and playing in a crib. suddenly, his mother. came into the room and walked to his crib.

"hi babyy chip cheezum. wait... theres something wrong here..."

then baby chip cheezum remembered that he was never happy like this and that this flashback was actully him being sold to sex traffikers for football tickets tobuy his dad.

* * *

chip cheezum quit beeing eletricutted.

"NOW GOW TO THE BOOTOM OF THE BASE AND KILL THEYRE SHIT BECFORE I KILL YOURS OKAY"

and so chip cheezum went to the bottom of the base so he could kill slowbeef and daibetsus.

* * *

slowbeef exited the wall dragging slowbeef exited the wall dragging diabetsul behind him in his hadn by the shirt collar. after a minute or two his short tore and he had to drag him by the foot instead.

okay, so where do we go to escape from here?" slowbeef asked to onone really because he justseems like the kinda guy who would talk to himself like that you know.

"I THINK YOU WILL GO... _**!" **_a person said.

slowbeef gasped and turned around. the person wasn't there so he turned to his side where the person was and saw the person and identified him.

it was a strange fatman with glasses. he looked very hairy and was also fart.

"YOOOOUUUUU WILL NOT BE GOING THHHHAAATTTT WAAAAAAYYYY!" the fatman said.

"I HAVE INJECTED MYSELF WITH LION (LIKE THE DUDE FROM DARK YAGAMI(an: I love that fanfic!)))SO THAT I MIGHT BECOME... MHMHMHMHMH... **STRON****GER!"**

Slobweef just looked at him all fuunny. i guess he was pretty funny actually, considering he looked kinda like a lion man, only fatman.

but he was actually only 4*23.

"uh, yeah, what are you going to do to me if i just go... that way instead?" slobwwef pointed indeicated the path to the other side of where he was going since he had no idea where the hell he was going at all.

"I HA_**V**_E EATEN 5353.6576657 STEAKS, LIFETED 3653655.79879 BARBELLS, PUNCHED 2354376764.5436543 COWS, SEXED 567635436353465.7 M**E**NWO, SANG 3546575.45457634574356468 KELLY KLARKSON SONGS, AND LIT 34326547538757785$%*$(^4653 TO THE POWER OF 36426555 GIR SCOUTS ON FIRE IN PREPARATION FOR THIS DAY! LETS SEX THIS BITCH ASS TITFUCKER UP THE ASS, BUDDY BOY!" he roarled as he jumped through the sky towards slowbeef, even though they were underground

diabetusslowbeef thought quickly. he thought about using tiro finale but still didnt buy bullets because he had no money anymore. he was out of gas for his lighter and his hands still hurt from choppoing down that door (the one from chapeter 2, remember?).

"dammit, why did i throw away that dagger of time form before?" he shouted to the hevens above that he couldnt actually see because again they were underground in the base basement.

"HAHA YUR A FUCKING IDIOT SLOWBEEF NOW DIE! WITHOUT YOUR TIM DAGGER!"!"!"

then slowbeef knew he was going to die. just then, he heard a proton sowrd go swooshalghele...

but it was actually nothing and he was just being a weirdo.

so he took diabetuss and slammed the falling fatmans face with him like that one thing in bano tooie.

* * *

Okay, readers of this godforsaken story (oh, who am I kidding, no one's reading this), here's the deal. Jonathon, they guy who's been writing this horse shit you're reading, seriously couldn't think of a thrilling conclusion to this epic you see before you, so he asked me to do it. Seriously, pathetic. Well, I'm getting fifty dollars so I guess at least somebody wins from all of this.

Really, I win some dumbass writing contest back in freshmen year (Jon's 15, by the way, not even kidding) and suddenly I'm some awesome writer that everyone wants help from, including this jackass. Whatever.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I can get from what he's written, this is about two gay guys traveling across the country killing dudes trying to kill them because it's cloudy outside and they're both scared of the dark. Apparently they're based off two dumbfucks on le grande internet, making fun of other dumbfucks on the internet. Riveting. Did I mention the gay, by the way? Also, don't actually correct me; I seriously don't give a shit.

So, Slowbeef celebrates his hard earned victory over the incredibly loud lion scientist douchebag from earlier.

",isntitdiabetusususususuus?" he rambled once more like a moron.

Oh yeah, Diabetus or whatever has woken up at this point, what with being hit in the head, or rather hitting with his head. I guess that would probably just hurt him more or something, but do I seriously sound like I give two fucks right now?

"" Diabetus stupided.

So they fucked for a while (right there in the base with cameras to the villain's main room place no less [is there anyone who isn't a flaming cockseeker in this place? I HTINK NOT]) and then they moved on down some corridor. Just pick whichever one was your favorite; actually, here, I'll help you.

There are three hallways in the room, all leading in different directions from where Slowbeef came in from. One is on the left, and has red neon lights on the entrance. One is straight ahead and has yellow. The last is to their right and has blue lights. Slowbeef elects yellow, Diabetus picks blue, they argue for twenty minutes as is par for the course, they kiss and make up and something stupid happens that makes them decide to go down the red path for some arbitrary reason.

That wasn't so hard, now, was it? Anyways, Slowbeef takes ahold of Diabetus' hand and drags him through the corridor because it was dark and spooky and they were afraid a ghost might eat them or some shit.

They eventually got to a gigantic steel door. They went to open it but they noticed it was locked. They spent twenty years or something running around in a circle searching for a key and finally got it handed to them by God who got fed up with Jon's bullshit.

"lykomgdiebatues areyouyreadyeyaya?"

"idunnoehoaterahoahahahahah? ?"

* * *

so yeah thanks rohit. yeah, so like he said or i gues swrote in this case since you cant talk through text, they went down a place after killing the fatman. butdiabetus just woke up now, and they ARENT UCKING HOMOS ILL KILL YOU IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN ROHIT SLOWBEEF IS MY IDOL

they reached a huge door with skulls all over it and blood and lights and futuristic stuff. slowbeef went to open it up so they could go through but diebatus stopped him:

"wait slowbeef, you need a key! its like in zelda, were in a dungeon of course."

slowbeef punched him in the face and tried to open the door anyway but it was indeed lokked and they seemed to need a key.

slowbeef thought to himself and looked around the room. in one cornerthey saw a skelleton with a boxing glove guarding a treasuer chest.

they had an epix duel and slobweef almost died in the fite. diabetus healed him thorgh. opening the chest, slowbeef found a giant key that he couldnt carry. since he couldnt carry the key, he did the obvious thing and brought the door to the kye. they key didnt work.

"ARGH WHY DOESNT THIS WORK ITS A SMALL KEY IT OPENS THE DOOR" SLOWBEEF ANGERED FORGETTING THAT BOSS KEYS WERE DIFFERENRT.

diabetsu cried at this badness for a while, and flashed back to his gramam one last time...

* * *

gramam was talking to diabetus. she was southern.

'yall take dem dere key and do the honkytonk and shoot ths shit and youlss save!" she shouted and then died because she was old

* * *

I got it! diebsteus siad but didnt really because he just thought that actually because he didnt want to seem weird infront of slowbeef.

diabetus threw up for a sexond in the corner and then took the key on his necklace and put it it n the door.

nothing happened.

then the door opened and nothing came out.

nothing...

_except_...

THEIR (SKIWBEEF ABD DIEBETYSUS) DESTANY.


End file.
